Always factual, never incorrect, objective satire
2020 is starting off the decade in its own, unique way.
By Marini Uba
Objectively speaking, 2020 has not been that bad of a year. In my objective opinion, 2020 has been a very average, ordinary year, and all the other years of the 2000s were extremely boring. No, I will not knock on wood. No, I am not jinxing the rest of 2020. No, two hurricanes will not stop me from speaking the truth. This year has been extraordinarily normal. It’s definitely fine. Everything is fine.
In order to get a scope on just how average 2020 has been, we have to push aside all of the outlying events that have occurred during this year. This includes Covid-19, the murder hornets, the two hurricanes, and recall number “who knows at this point” on bagged lettuce. With all of this out of the way, we’re left with an extremely average year filled with the extremely average troubles that plague us all. 2020 is nothing more than normal schoolwork combined with the normal sleep schedules that we all pretend to follow, but in truth, the sleep schedules were never really there to begin with.
But that’s not quite true. If we’re being completely objective, that also means acknowledging everything that doesn’t feel quite right. That means recognizing that not everything is perfect. This means recognizing everything is a little weirder than what we’re used to.
So yeah, 2020 is a little rougher than average because we’re all now hyper-aware of the struggles everyone is facing. We can’t talk to our friends and family face to face as often, so we spend more time online (and everyone knows getting online was the first mistake made). But that doesn’t mean 2020 has to be our bad year. This is the perfect time to indulge in the old hobby your mom told you to knock off. It’s a great time to walk the dog, and it’s an even better time to pay someone else to walk your dog while you take the fifth nap of the day. It’s also an opportunity for all of us to get just a little closer to one another. For the first time in a long time, everyone recognizes that things are a little different, and we all have to be more accepting of a situation no one has control over.
Objectively speaking, 2020 is a year. It’s up to us to figure out how we’re going to define it though.