Let’s be thankful that Thanksgiving has finally passed.
By Marini Uba
With less than 30 days left in the absolute mess of this year, the American public can still rely on the cold, selfish holidays that have impressed themselves into the American calendar. Halloween, Christmas, National Fried Shrimp Day. Every American can look forward to at least one of the October-December holidays to bring them just a little joy in this mess of a year.
All except one. It is today that the horror of Thanksgiving is finally unwrapped for the unpatriotic, bland mess that it is and how its selfless theme is an attack on American values at large.
Firstly, there’s nothing to market. With Halloween, there are costumes, skeletons, and billions of pounds of candy to manufacture. With Christmas, it’s ugly sweaters, lights, and fake plastic trees to replace the smelly weird ones we’re obsessed with growth. Thanksgiving offers birds. They aren’t even good birds. They’re dry, large fowl that only exist as a sad testament to America’s willingness to scarf down anything in futile attempts to sate gluttony. There are no costumes, no colorful lights. The only purpose Thanksgiving serves is to prevent Christmas from creeping further into the year, and even at that, it fails.
Secondly, Thanksgiving is a holiday so against the lovely ideals of American consumerism than Black Friday needed to exist in order to fill the void left by it. It’s simple: the lack of Thanksgiving marketability and consumerism has to be made up for as quickly as possible, or the American populace will become restless. Black Friday acts as the savior behind it all. As families disperse, drained from twenty-four hours of being thankful, they can look to the day after to rejuvenate, with BOGO and 50% off on their favorite appliances, applications, and apparel.
Finally, no one actually likes Thanksgiving. There’s a reason that Thanksgiving is known as the holiday to eat food and avoid your overly political uncle, and it’s because it has nothing else going for it. Even the quintessential Thanksgiving meal can be replicated at literally any other time of year. Thanksgiving is pointless. It’s just a fact. So what’s the solution to this attack on American values?? Eradicate Thanksgiving.
Instead, let Black Friday become November’s big “Holiday of the Month” and let the sales continue for the entire month so we can avoid five-minute brawls on showroom floors.
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